Long Time No See
i feel so extremely weird writing this post because it’s been so long since i touched this website and talked about my work in any extensive way. for a while, when people would ask me about my photography, i’d shrug it off and switch the subject. a friend or family member would step in front of me, shields raised, explaining that yes, of course i’m still a photographer, but i didn’t believe them.
last spring i felt completely drained from an attempt to do photography full time. i was living with my parents at the time, and my days mainly consisted of waking up at 10 or 11 am, grabbing coffee at some overpriced coffee shop, and trying to improve every aspect of my social media with the hope that once i did that, my inbox would be flooded with people wanting to pay me to photograph them. it was draining and left me feeling restless and depleted.
in may, i got a job at a medical office as a front desk coordinator. it was a breath of fresh air and totally necessary, both financially and emotionally. a good schedule, steady income, and the ability to grow within the company was exactly what i needed to feel normal again. at the time, though, i was shooting weddings on the weekends and working 40 hours a week. it was like my system had been laying flat for so long and then all of a sudden i was in overdrive.
weddings were extremely tough for me. i wish i could say that they were as amazing and fun as the other photographers on instagram say, but they’re not for me. i feel like a broken record when i say this, but i truly am thankful for the couples and families that have allowed me to make their photograph and document their wedding day. i’ve met amazing people throughout my time as a wedding photographer, but the anxiety aspect of it was exhausting and sometimes literally sickening. i doubted my abilities as an artist and storyteller, to the point where i’d put off giving clients their photographs because i just believed they’d hate them. i had serious imposter syndrome and lacked confidence in my work, which would leave me feeling like no one else believed in my work or wanted it.
with all of that being said, i let myself take a breather from photography and creativity. i focused entirely on my work and put photography and art on a back burner. i withdrew creatively and tried not to get down on myself for feeling uninspired and like a failure, and my faith laid in the idea that art is a part of who i am. if i let it sit still inside of me for a while, maybe it will rest and grow larger than it ever was before. i also had faith that when i was ready to create again i’d know. and i think that time has come.
so, what now? i’ll say yes more often. yes to more shoots, yes to more painting, yes to LEARNING(!), to branding, to marketing, to storytelling. i’m tired of closing myself off of different avenues just because i’m not certified in one artistic realm or another. i’ve realized that life is short, and, even more than that, pretty insignificant. my identity as an artist may vary vastly from yours, and that’s fine with me. i just want to create.
i hope you’ll stick around, though there are no promises here. just me.